Recovery Story - Graham & Angela

How did your addictive behaviour develop?

Graham: I began drinking when I left school and started my apprenticeship. Every Friday we all went to the pub. The drinking culture was everywhere, in my engineering jobs, and in the police. Then I got a job as a pub landlord. I thought I had to drink to have a good time and working in a pub was a great opportunity to drink all day and night.

Then I met Angela 25 years ago, I stopped smoking, but I didn’t stop drinking. I was a good pub landlord and we won awards, but no one seemed to realise I was under the influence all the time. Like many people I hid bottles everywhere to be sure I would always have access to alcohol. I was drinking a lot, but I thought I had it under control. I also thought other people didn’t realise. At that stage I was drinking 24 bottles of Budweiser in the morning. The day we moved in to take charge of a new pub I had a seizure and landed up in intensive care.

After that I was encouraged to go to rehab and spent a lot of money for a week’s stay, but it was AA driven and it wasn’t for me. I disliked being told I was powerless, but I did stay sober for three years. I went back to my job running the pub, which I loved. Then one morning I had a vodka. No one knew, I felt like I had got away with it so the next morning I had two. You can guess the rest. Within two weeks I was drinking a bottle a day and more. Eventually Angela persuaded me to get away from the pub, so we went to stay with my sister. There was no advice about how to cut down safely, our GP didn’t have a clue, so I cut down too fast, had another seizure and went back to intensive care. I was aware I was lucky to still be alive. The day I left hospital Tom from the local drug and alcohol service met me and helped me to detox safely.

Angela: When I met Graham, I knew he drank a lot, but he seemed to cope with it. A lot of his drinking was hidden from me. If I asked how much he had drunk it was always ‘Two pints’ One morning he was drinking with a friend, and I tackled him about it, but he was very defensive. He became unwell and went to the doctors and was diagnosed as diabetic but didn’t disclose his drinking. I knew he was drinking too much but he denied it every time. His personality changed, the man I knew who was friendly and kind had gone. He became very irrational, and his appearance changed. Every morning he was ill, rushing to the bathroom to vomit and he had awful nosebleeds. I was terribly worried about him but every time I said something he denied it and pushed me away. I was always on edge because I never knew what he would do next.

What led to the decision to go to a SMART meeting?

Graham: My engineering and science background meant I didn’t want to admit to being powerless. I hated saying ‘I am an alcoholic’, it is such a stigmatising word.

When I left the hospital, I had had enough of drinking and all its problems, so I agreed to go to the drug and alcohol service and I did a brief recovery programme, then I wondered what to do next. Drinking had filled so much of my time and I felt a bit lost. There was a SMART meeting running so I went along out of curiosity. I heard about my ‘power of choice’ which really appealed to me, and I threw myself into it. I learned all I could, watched videos, read the handbook, and went to every meeting. Finally, I had found a way of coping with urges and challenging my own irrational thoughts and behaviours. After some time, I did the facilitator training and ran my own meetings. I like the feeling of being able to relate to others and help them like I had been helped.

Angela: At the time I was happy that he was doing something, but I was still very anxious that he would start drinking again and my health suffered. I lost a lot of weight and one day I looked in the mirror and realised I didn’t recognise the person looking back at me. I asked Graham to go to his sisters for a while so I could have some peace. I didn’t socialise and had lost touch with a lot of my family because I didn’t want to admit what had been going on. I was very isolated. I didn’t want to tell Graham how bad I was feeling or talk about all that we had lost because I was worried it might trigger him to drink again. Looking back, it was the irrational behaviour that was so hard to cope with, small things that were blown out of all proportion.

I knew behind the person with the addiction was the man I loved and I felt that I was the only person who really understood and I wanted to help him. Whenever he stopped or cut down, he was back to the lovely man I knew. I lived in a perpetual state of hope that tomorrow he would be better. It took a while for his behaviour to settle and for both of us to become less anxious. Once that happened, I started to make a more balanced lifestyle for myself. I started to be kinder to myself and to look after myself again; simple things like feeling I could make an appointment to get my hair cut. It was a big step to accept that I couldn’t fix Graham or control his behaviour.

I did resent SMART a bit at first. I had coped with Graham and his addictive behaviour and now he didn’t need me. I had to find myself again because my focus had been on Graham and keeping him safe for so long that I had forgotten about me and what I wanted out of life.

I got involved with Family & Friends through going to a group called Concerned Others once a month, which I didn’t find helpful. Everything was focussed on not upsetting the person with the problem, which took no account of me or my feelings. I decided to read all the SMART material, so I knew what Graham was working through, then I did the SMART facilitator and Family and Friends training. I started a weekly Family and Friends meeting which gave me a lot of satisfaction because I could see the pain people were in when they came but they would go out with a smile.

Graham: Once I started the SMART programme I didn’t drink again. One of the things I liked is that there is no stigma, I am not an alcoholic I am a person with a behavioural problem that I have worked on and changed. I worked very hard at my recovery. I knew if I carried on drinking, I would die because I was in such a bad place. My stubborn nature meant I wanted to prove I could beat the addiction and I didn’t like who I had turned into. I liked my job as a landlord, especially the social side of it and I was good at it. I wanted my quality of life back so I knew I couldn’t pick up a drink again. It just had to be done. So I became a sober landlord. And before long we had a SMART meeting in the pub. We let people in a side door and took them upstairs to the conference room. Some of them were pleased to be in a pub at a SMART meeting with no alcohol present. I like that SMART doesn’t demand that you give up alcohol, it gives you the choice and puts you in control. Its my choice to stay sober.

What have been the benefits?

Graham: My health has improved; I am in control of my life and I choose to be sober. Smoking and drinking used to cost me £20K a year which we now spend on holidays. I have self-respect and the respect of others. The centre of my universe is no longer alcohol. I met my sons who I had been estranged from for a lot of years and my grandchildren. I have a purpose, and I am helping other people. My whole world has changed for the better, I got my life back. I have learnt a lot about people and how they behave. I love being in a SMART meeting and seeing the penny drop, when someone starts to believe they can gain control over their addiction.

Angela: I made a lot of good friends who have been through the same issues as me and they used the tools and got their life back too. We help one another out and it is motivating to see the changes they are making. I like being able to discuss the issues raised in meetings with Graham and it brought us closer together. Previously he drank in one corner, and I cried in another, now we do this together. It’s a learning curve all the time. You never know what people will bring to a meeting. It’s often the people who have gone through the worst times who are the most uplifting.

What have been the most significant changes you have made?

Graham: Deciding not to drink, using the tools to challenge my irrational thoughts, finding a purpose and rediscovering who I am. I’m content and not stressed.

Angela: To live more of a balanced lifestyle, to focus on my own health. I’m not as judgemental about people now because I have a better understanding of addiction

Is there any advice you would give to another person thinking about using the SMART Recovery programme?

Graham: Have a go, SMART doesn’t demand anything of you. You will discover your power of choice and loads of tools to help you every day. You will have setbacks, but you can learn from them. No one will judge you. You are a normal human being with a behavioural problem that you can change.

Angela: It will be the best thing you will ever do. It makes you realise you are not on your own and others are going through the same thing. You will come at first because you need to, you will stay because you want to. Enabling someone’s addiction may seems like the easy option, but long term it’s not at all.